Why do we vilify women who aren't interested in children - Dinosaur edition

Image credit: http://sciencefiction.com/2015/10/15/nycc-2015-interview-clever-girl-jurassic-world/

[Spoiler alert - but seriously, it's out on disc by now]

I finally got around to watching Jurassic World this past weekend - something I had been meaning to do for ages.  I grew up with the earlier Jurassic Park movies and adored them.  I was the little girl who could name a surprising number of dinosaurs, and inhaled any books that I could find about these incredible creatures.

So, for the imaginative dinosaurs, I loved the movie.  It's completely over the top and ridiculous and once again tries to remind the audience that humans cannot and should not play god, nor should they think that they can possibly control it.

The thing that rankled me was the portrayal of Claire - the woman who looks like she walked out of a midtown Manhattan boutique, with impossibly smooth hair for a tropical climate and who wears a pair of towering spike heels for the entire film. (Really? She managed to run on soil without getting the heels stuck and mangling her ankle?)  It was clear from very early on that she was not going to be our favorite character.  She's focused on control, on her career, and is basically running the Disneyworld for dinosaurs.  She doesn't seem to understand that these are wild animals rather than nice, tidy petting zoo.  But the film also clearly sought to make it clear that she shouldn't be liked because she is not interested in children.  She sent her nephews with fancy all-access packages in the care of her assistant who looks similarly wealthy and urbane.  Her sister (the mother of said kids) tells her that "kids are worth it" and the audience sees Claire not connect with why her sister is upset that the boys aren't under her supervision. To top it all off, she's not attached to a male partner and shows no interest in doing so.

Later in the movie, she sees a mother in the park rush to greet her daughter and sees the emotion and we see her start to put 2 and 2 together.  By the end, she is a caring, protective mama bear to her two nephews, and thus feels worthy of our love and respect.

It's another instance of a woman who doesn't happen to be interested in motherhood or children in general having her own choices questioned.  As if she doesn't know her own self well enough to evaluate her decision. It makes the assumption that maternal instinct and motherhood is required to be a full and natural woman.

And this is the crap that I am sick and tired of.  As a woman myself who is not interested in motherhood and doesn't particularly enjoy being around children, I have heard plenty of people who question my decision. From close family to women I've just met, I've had my judgement and decision making questioned. It's an incredibly personal decision to have children or not.  It may be based on factors like worries about passing on certain genes, medical ability to conceive and carry a child, the emotional or economic toll that a child can bring, not being in a stable romantic partnership to assist raising a child, or a lack of connection with children and/or infants.  In my case, my partner and I have had very clear discussions and we know that children are not something we are interested in or could support in the way that we would want to support a child.  That is my decision, and our decision, and it's not something we take lightly.

Not every woman is comfortable around children.  They are small, they can be delicate, loud, shrieking, and unruly.  They can be sweet and smart and interesting, but that's not how I feel about every child I see.  I've seen other women who coo over every child and infant in their vicinity and they just love to touch them and interact with them. I have seen them do that and have 99% of the time been bewildered by it because it is so far from what I feel myself.  When I run into children in public (like today's trip to the grocery store), I want to get away from the screaming and incessant chatter of small children and tired of worry about accidentally stepping on or kicking one that ran underfoot without my notice. I don't see why parents assume that everyone is just delighted to wait for them to turn their giant cards and strollers around so slowly.  I just want to go home.  I don't actually care about their beautiful bundle of delight.

Granted, I love baby animals - with a special preference for those that would maul me when grown (tigers, lions, polar bears, etc.).  But baby humans, when new, to me look more like lumpy, purple potatoes.  I just don't connect with them.  I can babysit for friends (not for infants) for a few hours and run around, but I have zero interest in full time parenthood.

So, the question is - have women as a whole decided that this is something in we use to define ourselves? (It certainly is a major biological distinction from men) Have we so internalized the paternalist dogma that a woman's role is defined by being a mother?  And why do we question the judgment of women who don't desire that role? Have we swallowed this idea that women are incapable of knowing their own minds? That we don't know what's right and what's best for us?  This is such a serious decision, that we assume other women (especially young women) are incapable of making it on their own.  I have never once seen this kind of questioning of a man (with the sole exception of a grand-child-crazy mother).  A man who is childless is never derided as less of a man.

If we use this as our definition, who are we excluding from "womanhood"?  For those who are unable to conceive, or transwomen, or have health conditions that make pregnancy exceptionally dangerous, are we automatically excluding them? Are they not real "women"?  And for those of us who consciously make the decision to not have children. Are we not real "women"? Do we not share the struggles of being women in a world with so much stacked against us?

Seriously.  As women, we face so many difficulties in this world from lower pay then men to sexual assault to the constant underestimation of our talents and silencing of our voices.  Do we really need to pile this on ourselves?  The struggle is already so great, there is no need to bring each other down.  We should be supporting each other in our decisions - wherever those happen to take us.

The greatest step we may be able to take in truly becoming equal is to support each other in our decisions.  We should be respecting each other to know what is best for ourselves.  We need to recognize that it is not our job to define what someone else's goals should be or reject their substantiated fears.

And with that, I will end my rant and my 6 months or so without a post.


NOTE: I have plenty of friends who are having babies and I'm very happy for them.  If their choice is to have a child, then I am delighted that they are able to do so and that it will bring them so much joy.  All I am asking in this rant is that we respect the opposite decision as well.